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This week has undoubtedly been one of the most difficult I have ever experienced, or ever will experience. It is impossible to imagine what it feels like to have one of the people you love most in the world suddenly no longer exist. Until it happens. But when it happens, it doesn't feel like anything you can describe, because it just feels impossible.
Denial is one powerful mindfuck. I spent one whole afternoon completely convinced that I had made this whole story up; and yet at the same time terrified to talk to anyone who might tell me I had not. I thought, if only I never had to talk to anyone who knew her again, everything would be fine and I could just go on as if nothing had ever happened. Then my mother called me from New York and poked a hole through the wall I had been building up around myself. When I hung up the phone I was shaking and my stomach felt like I was on a roller coaster.
Calling people and leaving them a message to call you back is one of the most awful things ever, in the world. While you are waiting you go through 50 different emotions in the course of one minute. You are waiting to tell someone that nothing will ever be the way it was before. Yesterday at work I called to check my messages 6 times to see if anyone had called me back or if there was any news and every time I did I felt more and more anxious until finally I felt as though I might be on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
At first it doesn't seem real, and you want it to, because how can you cope until it does? But when the reality starts setting in, when cracks start appearing the veneer of denial, it suddenly feels like your whole world is falling apart and you would give anything to patch them up again.
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"The mind of the thoroughly well informed [person] is a dreadful thing. It is like a bric-a-brac shop, all monsters and dust, and everything priced above its proper value."
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