Remember that show where professional asshole Ashton Whatshisbucket would go up to Hilary Duff and be all, "Did you know that the third digit of pi is 7?" and Duff would be all, "Really?" and Ashton would be all, "NO YOU GOT PUNK'D, BEEYOTCH!!!" Do you? Man, Ashton totally stole that idea from God. God was always telling folks to kill their oldest son or whatever, and then, just before they'd do it, he'd be all, "DUDE YOU GOT YAHWEH'D KILL THIS GOAT INSTEAD, BEEYOTCH!!!" Now your child can role-play God's greatest Punk of all with the Job Biblical Action Figure. And when it gets run over by a car after your A.D.D.-addled twerp inadvertently leaves it in the street, you can chalk it up as faithful recreation of God's torment of his most devoted follower, rather than simply the result of an ungrateful child thoughtlessly destroying the toys you busted your hump to buy him.

* * *

In the eyes of today's jaded kids, everything in the world falls into two categories: things that are "Xtreme" and things that are worthless horseshit. Sadly, the traditional gift of an ant farm falls into the latter category. That's why you are obligated -- by law -- to purchase your nephew an Uncle Milton Ant Farm Xtreme! "Watch as live ants carve out rad tunnels... climb the radical rock climbing wall, challenge the ragin' street luge speedway and catch Big Air in the BMX biking arena," says the ad copy that I swear to God I am not fabricating. Ant Farm Xtreme! also features skate loops, a bungee ravine, and other "totally" "bitchin'" attractions that the old farts at Uncle Milton Incorporated imagine young people consider cool. And after watching his plucky band of Xtreme! ants toil endlessly for 10 straight days before abruptly dying for want of a Queen, perhaps your youngster will inadvertently learn an important lesson: When the cynical veneer of marketing hype is peeled away from our culture of consumerism, you are left with a society devoid of purpose, where "individuals" are little more than drones enslaved by the instinctual comfort of numbing conformity. It's antertainmentucational!