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I got a message from my mother saying, "It's almost 8 and your father's not home yet, so I was just wondering if everything's okay or if something happened with his flight or what, so if you could call me back when you get this."
I panicked, because my dad left here at 4pm, so he should have been there by then. He must have had a car accident on his way home. That's the only thing I could think of that would make him so inexplicably late.
So I call my parents' house and the phone rings and rings and I'm thinking, "Ohmygod, no one's home because they're all at the hospital!" and I've worked myself up into a really good lather, when finally my mother answers the phone without even saying hello first -- she could tell it was me by the long distance ring and the lateness of the hour-- instead, the first thing she says is "So, he was at the golf course."
"He went golfing?! He went straight to the golf course without even going home?"
"Yeah. And the sad thing is that I was thinking today, "Oh, maybe when I get home from work, he will be there," and I was kind of excited, because he's been away for two weeks, you know. Then I got home and there was no one there and I was a little worried. But by the time he got home it was like 9pm and it was just like any other day; I just didn't care anymore."
The secret ingredient is fennel. And if it isn't, it should be. Fennel is fucking fantastic. Why didn't I know this? Seriously, where is loop and how do I get in it?
It's called a soft drink goddammit!
Well, in Quebec it is. That's what makes us special.
I fully support dialect diversity, of course, and the natural evolution and change of dialects, (I mean, I have to, after all, being a linguist who specialized in dialectology), so you just go on calling it whatever it is called in your part of the world.
But also know that people who say pop are huge losers.
Here are my two new favourite words:
fabaceous: having the nature of a bean; like a bean.
maffick: to celebrate with boistrous rejoicing and hilarious behaviour.
Dear Bell Canada,
Please stop calling me. I have Call Display and you should know this since you are the provider. I have Call Display so every day I come home from work and see that you have called me twice. If I wanted to know what you were calling about I would call you back. Please take the hint. If you wanted me to know what you were calling me about you could leave a message. If there is one thing that I hate it is people who call but don't leave a message. If you have nothing to say why are you calling in the first place? If you want to talk to me, leave a message saying so and I will call you back. I have voice mail, which you also provide, and should therefore know about. Don't call back later pretending you haven't already tried. I have Call Display, dumb ass, I can tell that you called.
In case you are calling about my long distance plan, let's just settle that issue right here. I don't want your long distance plan. More specifically, I don't want to talk to your representative who will try to sell me your long distance plan because it is her or his job to do so because I will feel sorry for them and listen to their pitch before ultimately rejecting it because I already have a long distance plan which is just as good and it will be a waste of your time and mine. I am pretty sure you are calling about my long distance plan, which is why, even when I am at home and you call, I can tell that it is you calling (thanks to Call Display, as you now know) and I don't answer.
Listen. I was kind of snarky before about how you call and don't leave a message, but I know how it works. The truth is, I used to work for you, Bell Canada, doing market research. It was the worst job I ever had and also the shortest since I quit after two months. Two months was as much as I could take of spending all day on the phone calling people who didn't want to talk to me and hating myself. I was always relieved when I called a number and no one answered. Another person spared, I would think. Lucky them. I was always secretly hoping for a no answer. In market research, after five no answers, the policy was to take number off the to-call list. Coding fifth no answers was the best part of my day. That was a good policy. Obviously it does not extend to the sales department as you have now called me over two dozen times in the past two weeks. When will it end?
If you were not you, but someone else I didn't want to talk to, this is when I would call you and have you block the number. The small monthly fee I would have to pay would be nothing compared to the pain and suffering I would be spared by not having to see your number on the Call Display and be reminded of the worst two months of my life every single day when I come home from work and sometimes again later in the evening when you call back. But there is no way I am going to pay you to block your own number. Would you even consent to doing that? I am not going to ask, but I am curious.
It would really be pointless, since I could just call you back and ask you to stop calling me. I have your number after all, it is stored in my Call Display.
The thing is, I feel like after two weeks we are sort locked in a battle of wits. I am now wondering how long it will be before you check your records and realize that I have Call Display and begin to suspect that I am deliberately not answering your calls. I am wondering how many no answers you have to get from me until you cross me off your list. I am not going to let you win this game by giving in and answering the phone, no matter how many times you try. I have gone two weeks and I can go longer. As long as I have to until you give up.
I'm just saying. You are not going to get through, so you might as well quit trying. For your own sake, Bell Canada, please stop calling me.
I don't know how else to tell you.
Sincerely,
Your devoted customer.
It is very strange to realize that under all this apparent cynicism I am an optimist after all. I really believe that deep down people are fundamentally good and want a better world. They are just afraid. I guess Noam Chomsky already figured this out. Damn it, that guy is always one step ahead of me!
"If you assume that there is no hope, you guarantee that there will be no hope. If you assume that there is an instinct for freedom, there are opportunities to change things, etc., there's a chance to contribute to the making of a better world. That's your choice." -- Noam Chomsky
Here are some conversations that explain to you the mindset I have been in:
#1
Me: Hey, listen, it might rain. So if you're going to walk you should bring an umbrella.
H: Oh, really?
M: Yeah, 30% chance.
H: Whatever. I don't believe in that.
M: What are you talking about? A 30% chance means that three out of ten times it's going to rain. You just don't know when those three times are going to be.
H: So, live in fear, in other words.
M: Yes.
#2
D: Wow, you are less and less impressed every time I do that.
Me: Yeah, I think it's adaptation.
D: Adaptation?
M: Yeah, like the first time something happens it's a big deal but every time after that it's less and less impressive because you get used to it.
D: Hmm. Ok, I guess that could be true.
M: I think it's true for all of human experience.
D: All human experience, wow. That's kind of big.
M: But true.
D: Ok. Wait. What about this: I really like burritos. And I think that every time I eat a burrito it's enjoyable. Or, at least 99% as enjoyable as the first time I ate a burrito.
M: See, I think it's probably 99% as enjoyable as the last time you ate a burrito. Every time you eat a burrito it is a tiny bit less enjoyable. So over time, if you eat enough burritos, they won't be as exciting anymore.
D: Well, yeah, maybe if I ate, like, a million burritos. But I've probably only had a couple hundred at this point and I don't eat them that often so I don't think--
M: Well, sure, but listen, if you ate burritos every day you'd get sick of them pretty fast. That's my point.
D: Damn. Wow. Life is really depressing. (walks away)
M: (calls after him) Sorry!
D: (talking to someone else, around the corner) Hey, if you ever want to be depressed sometime, just go talk to Laura.
#3
Me: So, how do like this stupid weather?
A: Actually, I don't mind the snow. I like snow.
M: No, it's the wind that I don't like.
A: Actually, it's not that windy out right now. It's pretty nice.
M: Oh.
A: I mean the wind is sort of blowing the snow around...
M: See, that's what I don't like.
A: Ok, but I much prefer wind that is sort of gently blowing the snow around to, like, gale force.
M: Ok, but it's supposed to get worse out later.
A: Yeah.
M: So I guess I'm complaining in anticipation of that.
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"The mind of the thoroughly well informed [person] is a dreadful thing. It is like a bric-a-brac shop, all monsters and dust, and everything priced above its proper value."
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