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poem on your blog day
In honour of the last day of National Poetry Month.
The Great Event
by Leonard Cohen
It's going to happen very soon. The great event which will end the horror. Which will end the sorrow. Next Tuesday, when the sun goes down, I will play the Moonlight Sonata backwards. This will reverse the effects of the world's mad plunge into suffering, for the last 200 million years. What a lovely night that would be. What a sigh of relief, as the senile robins become bright red again, and the retired nightingales, pick up their dusty tails, and assert the majesty of creation!
Correct answers I gave to Trivial Pursuit questions that I would not have expected myself to know anything about:
Barbara Walters
Dengue fever
Lake Mobutu Sese Seko
Hockey Night In Canada (for the win!)
The list of things I would have expected myself to know but did not is much longer. However, I blame it on being drunk.
The best part of the game, though, was how Megan answered every baseball question with Pedro Martinez, and on her last question was finally right.
Hey! Craiglist has a Montreal page! When did that happen?
just when i'd finally gotten over last year's "bangs incident"
I went crazy and cut my hair myself again. It looks pretty much how you'd expect it to look if someone with her eyes closed randomly grabbed hunks of hair from the back of her head and chopped them off. Which is what I did. I only meant to trim the crappy "professional" hair cut I got not long ago, but, well, it just got out of control. Once you start you can't stop, because there is always a little piece that isn't symmetrical. Now there is hair everywhere. I had to put the scissors away in the back of the kitchen drawer. Then I took them out again. Twice.
no more excuses
I keep thinking I should call, but then my stomach churns and I think, Later. When I figure out what to say. I keep walking into the kitchen and standing there for a while, staring thoughtfully at the mound of dishes in the sink and the general mess on the table and counter and floor, but my mind glazes over at the enormity of the task and I think, Later. When I know where to start and I know that I can finish. I keep resolving, No more excuses, but then I think, Later. After I have had a nap.
although for all i know he speaks icelandic and is politely ignoring me, the smug bastard
She pronounces Reykjavik the way he does, but with a self-conscious giggle to indicate she isn't sure it's right. With him I understand, but with her? I can't believe she doesn't know better. Does she think we are talking about some other Reykjavik? No, I think she does it not to hurt his feelings. "Right, in Reykjavik," I say pronouncing it properly, not calling attention to their mistake. This is how you are supposed to teach children, by example. They ignore me and keep saying it wrong. I don't like how he is in charge and she defers to him.
excuse me, you are standing on my hand
The Zompist Phrasebook: Another funny phrasebook. Damn it. I really have to write mine before the market is (over)saturated. [via bluishorange]
great things about today:
1. P sent me this recording of the University Singers performing Yellow Submarine, which is HILARIOUS. (When I find a new host I will post it for you. I will also fix this page.)
2. Thunderstorms.
3. Bought a DVD player. Now I just have to buy a TV and all the seasons of Homicide: Life on the Street that have been released on DVD so far. Then I will watch them. Then I will need a new goal.
4. Getting to work early = leaving work early.
5. Rent payment issues resolved.
i have not played risk in years but this makes me want to
An Open Letter to William Kristol et al: "Why didn't you tell President Bush to invade Western Australia first? I've been playing Risk: The Game of Global Domination since I was eight years old and never, never have I seen someone win the game by massing their forces in the Middle East at the beginning of the game. Too many borders! Impossible to reinforce! Enemies from all directions! Australia, on the other hand, is easily conquered. Start in Western Australia, make a straight-line march through eastern Australia, then on into New Zealand and New Guinea, and finally up to Siam, sealing the entire continent and guaranteeing an extra two armies per turn for the duration of game."
There were some good letters in response:
"In John Warner's letter to President Bush, et al., he claimed that the best way to win the game of Risk is to attack Australia first. This is a very common folly that is most often seen in inexperienced or idiotic players. It has been a long time since I have seen anyone win with that strategy. If you attempt it against me, I will roll over you like a cheap thing that gets rolled over on a regular basis. The best strategy in Risk is to try and seal up two continents: North and South America. I prefer to begin with North America, as I'm sure Bush would prefer this as well. Blitz the continent in the early moves and make sure that you seal it off at Greenland, Central America, and Alaska. That's five new pieces in your control. It might take you two or three moves to complete the take of the continent, but in the end, it will most likely be worth the effort.
Yes, I know what you're saying: there are too many sides to defend! It's too risky! God, shut up. The name of the game is risk. And that's not even a clever pun or catch phrase, because that is quite literally the name of the game. You have to take some risks to win. Otherwise, not only do you get bored, rotting away in Australia, but you also ultimately lose.
[...]
In conclusion, Bush's absolute best option in his quest for world domination was to sack Canada."
And:
"At the risk (ha-ha) of encouraging a deluge of letters on the subject (and being part of that deluge myself), I must take issue with Kyle McGivney's strategy for global conquest in Risk. Beginning in the Americas is a good option -- true -- but John Warner's strategy of beginning in Australia is more universal.
[...]
Of course, now that the cat's out of the bag (thanks, John), the Australia strategy is almost as bad as a land war in Asia."
nothing like a good hangover to remind you you're alive
I can feel the life force pulsating in my head, I can tell you. Maybe you don't, however, always need/want such a forceful reminder. Hence, some hangover-related advice gleaned from science to counter-act all the of the wrong things misinformed people keep telling me. And probably you.
Bad
Coffee
Hair of the dog
Good
Water
Ibuprofen
Prevention*
Mixing (drinking different types of alcohol): this is good. It keeps your body guessing. Or something like that.
Beer before liquor: this is good. I always thought it was the reverse, but what do I know? I am not science.
The darker the liquor the bigger the hangover.
*using these methods is not guaranteed to prevent hangovers altogether, but will go a long way to reduce them. We all know there is only one way to avoid hangovers altogether, which is to avoid binge drinking. Often not an option.
Fish pie: "You get some equilibrium back and buy some new shoes. Then one sunny afternoon at home you hear a noise in the next room like a radio playing static very quietly. You can ignore it for a while, but it slowly gets louder and louder until it's a whisper you can't quite make out and then you start to hear the occasional word and it's not good stuff. You try to tell somebody but everybody is so pleased and so relieved that you're getting better and if it's going to come back why not just leave them like this for as long as they can have it. So you shut up the spare room and nail the door shut, but it doesn't help and it doesn't keep them out so you start to move to avoid them and they get louder until it's a constant shriek in your head and you're doing everything you can to make it stop but the rules are contradictory and hard to follow and your hanging on by your fingernails now and one day our brother comes by with yet more fish pie (fish is good for the brain, you have something wrong with your brain, thus fish pie) and finds you've been curled up naked in the garden since he left yesterday because it's quiet where it's cold and he picks you up and tries to take you back inside but you fight it because you're not going back in there and he just lets you hit him and then puts his jacket over you and sits with you in the garden feeding you fish pie with his hands while his girlfriend picks her way through your house to pack some things and they drive you back to the hospital. "
or maybe just stop going to the really sketchy-looking but cheap salons
I need to find a hair dresser with short hair who understands the concept of low maintenance.
Today I got another in a series of haircuts that I'm not really satisfied with. The hair stylists -- who inevitably have long, elaborately cut, coloured and styled hair -- always look horrified when I tell them I want it shorter in the back. Then they cut another millimeter and wince and say, "That's not too short?" And I smile at them like Julianne Moore in The Hours and say, "That's great," whilst mentally crossing another salon off my list and also wishing I didn't have to interact with people ever.
can i get evicted for never answering the door?
I woke up in the middle of the night last night worrying about what my landlord's son, who she sends around to pick up the rent, thinks about me. I'm pretty sure it was him that I saw that day through my front window, getting out of his car, right before I got up and went into the bathroom and turned on the water. I didn't hear him knocking, but the noise of the fan probably drowned it out.
I'm pretty sure he also saw me. I'm pretty sure we made eye contact.
I'm worried because he hasn't come back again. Or maybe he has and I was legitimately not home. Why didn't he leave a note or something? Why doesn't my landlord just call to ask when I will be home? Maybe she lost my phone number again. Maybe she is out of town and her son doesn't have it. Still, he could have left a note. Why can't I just mail them the cheques? What if he doesn't come again until next month? It will be so awkward.
With every day that goes by and he doesn't show up I grow a little more frantic. And a little more angry at myself for caring about SOMETHING SO COMPLETELY STUPID.
I just don't want him to think that I was sitting silently in the dark on the other side of the door pretending not to be home. Like I was all those other times.
the general opinion seems to be that it is necessary
The best part of Henrik Ibsen's A Doll's House:
RANK. I have often heard Mrs. Linde's name mentioned here. I think I passed you on the stairs when I arrived, Mrs. Linde?
MRS. LINDE. Yes, I go up very slowly; I can't manage stairs well.
RANK. Ah! some slight internal weakness?
MRS. LINDE. No, the fact is that I have been overworking myself.
RANK. Nothing more than that? Then I suppose you have come to town to amuse yourself with our entertainments?
MRS. LINDE. I have come to look for work.
RANK. Is that a good cure for overwork?
MRS. LINDE. One must live, Doctor Rank.
RANK. Yes, the general opinion seems to be that it is necessary.
NORA. Look here, Doctor Rank -- you know you want to live.
RANK. Certainly. However wretched I may feel, I want to prolong the agony as long as possible. All my patients are like that.
stickin' it to the egyptians
I was talking to my cousins about what they cooked for their Passover Seder meal (because food is the most important part of every holiday).
"Well, matzos ball soup, of course. And kugel, cheese kugel. And fennel salad. And... well, I know it's not really traditional, but an Egyptian rice and lentil thing."
"Mmm, sounds good though."
"Yeah, I wasn't really sure it was appropriate, you know, because it's Egyptian, and Passover is all about escaping from the Egyptians, so it's kind of like the food we were trying to escape from... But I figured, at least it's historically accurate, right? Even if-- "
My other cousin interjects, "What are you talking about? Of course it's appropriate! It's like, hey! We're not your slaves anymore, but we can still totally cook your food! Nyah nyah!"
"Yeah, exactly, we're cooking for ourselves now! So there!"
"Suckaz!"
spell hound
What is up with people spelling "throw" and "threw" as "through"??!? I have seen both today.
Also, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, IT IS SPELLED "DEFINITELY." I know you don't think so because you have never seen anyone spell it correctly before, but trust me.
I need someone to write a jingle a la MICKEY MOUSE, only one that goes D-E-F-I-N-I-T-E-L-Y and then have it played on the radio and tv for twenty years until no one can get it out of their heads and it totally reverses the currently out of control trend of misspelling this word. If I do not see this happen in my lifetime I may leave money for it in my will.
Once again, DE-FINITE-LY.
Finite. The opposite of infinite. "Finat" is not a word, people.
then i think she was mad because we left to go to ikea
Today at work I ate a piece of pizza and I felt guilty. Like that one small piece of dough somehow trivialized all the hardships my ancestors have had to go through and flippantly dismissed how blessed I am to lead the life of relative comfort that I do. How hard would it have been to wait another 5 days for that pizza in order to show proper respect and gratitude for my freedom from slavery? Not hard enough, my conscience nagged at me.
Then I drank some beer and I felt much better. Ah, beer and pizza. I work for a classy company.
Here is part of an IM conversation I had with my father on Monday while I waited for my mom to come and pick me up to bring me to my grandparents' (my Bubby and Zadie) to celebrate Passover. There was a bit of a kerfuffle because my grandparents insisted on having their Seder on Monday instead of Tuesday even though most of the family couldn't make it Monday.* My father had no real excuse but I think took everyone else's not going as license for himself to stay home. (My father is also not Jewish.) To be fair, I also briefly considered doing this as I don't really get along with my grandparents but then my mother played the "they won't be alive for much longer" guilt card. This was the first Passover I have spent without my entire family present.
*One of my sisters had to work; the other had rehearsal for her high school play; my aunt and uncle had town council meetings; my cousin can't drive and so couldn't go without them; my other cousin's kids were at the Seder at their paternal grandparents' home; my other other cousin is in the Czech Republic and wouldn't be able to come on Tuesday either.
lamb: i was just wondering if they had left yet
lamb: you aren't coming?
lamb: ??
dad: No [my mom] isn't home yet from school. She said 2:30. I'm not planning to come. I have to try to keep marking, class prepping, producing my council budget which has to be approved by the Board and ready for mailing this week, plus a bunch of bike trail stuff. Are you going?
lamb: oh ok
lamb: yeah, she is supposed to pick me up at work and then we are going to the store to buy matzos so i am just trying to gauge (is that right?) the amt of work i can get done
lamb: it will be weird to go to a Seder with so much of the family missing
lamb: i hope this doesn't mean i have to spend more time talking to bubby
dad: Sure it does, and that's all right. Talk about yourself a little bit, your work etc.
lamb: last year the only thing she said to me was about how she didn't like my hair
dad: [my mom] was kind of resentful of the timing and everything, and Bubby sounded to her resentful of the fact that [my uncle and aunt] won't make it. But the only one's missing will be me, [aunt & uncle] and [one of my cousins]. Oh and [my two sisters]. You'll still be a good gang.
dad: So brush your hair for Bubby. That's not too much to ask for these quite elderly folks.
lamb: no, it was because my bangs were too short, remember?
lamb: then i think she was mad because we left to go to ikea
dad: Not a problem now.
lamb: that's still a lot of people missing
dad: So this time the store visiting is coming first.
lamb: haha
lamb: yes, but that's how it was last year too
lamb: except then you wanted to go back
dad: But how about the [my cousin's boyfriend] present? Count the positives, and the total around the table.
dad: Sure I did. Isn't that when we got that lovely patio umbrella?
lamb: no you got that the first time. we went back to get my bookshelves
dad: oh
lamb: yeah, yeah, [my cousin's boyfriend] whatever. neither of my sisters will be there
lamb: and we won't be able to goof off
dad: You mean you won't be able to sneak out and watch the NCAA final basketball game on Channel 3? (Don't squeal on me, now!)
lamb: no, mostly i mean i won't have anyone to make funny faces at during the really boring parts
dad: Besides, as Zadie said to me one time, (he caught me out, actually, and I was guilty and felt it), Is it too much to ask that you sit and pray once in a while? Treat the exercise as the spiritual prayer it is supposed to be? A time to remember a higher being and purpose, to rejoice in our precious freedom that we so often now take for granted? To revere the deep spiritual tradition of your ancestors?
lamb: yeah yeah says the person who is not coming
lamb: also, i can still do all that and make funny faces during the "the days means only the days but all the days of your life includes the nights also blah blah blah" part
dad: I'm sending my message though. Be sure and say Hi for me.
lamb: ok
lamb: you'd better get a lot of work done
lamb: while you are watching all that basketball
dad: I'll try. Shall we sign off now?
lamb: ok, bye dad
dad: Bye sweetie.
dad signed off at 3:16:01 PM.
Happy Buddha's birthday!
Eyeball jewelry a new Dutch fashion trend. This is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen.
best washing instructions ever
spring forward, fall back down
If anyone wants to start a campaign to have Daylight Saving Time permanently replace Standard Time, I will totally get behind that. I will vote for it or sign a petition or go to rallies or write letters to People In Charge Of These Kinds Of Decisions (who are they?). Whatever's necessary.
I like Daylight Saving, because it is still light out when I leave work and I feel like the day still has potential. It's invigorating. I can read in the park for an extra hour! I can walk down alleys that would normally be dark and dangerous, but due to Daylight Saving, are still lit and safe!
Also, as my cousin points out, there is no need for the sun to rise at 5am. 6am is plenty early. This is especially true if you are a mother of young children who wake with the sun. Give mothers a break! Daylight Saving Forever!
It's all this switching around that's pointless. I don't get it. Someone at work today (though far from a credible source) told me that we switch to Daylight Saving in order to save electricity. I don't really understand why this would be, but if people buy this argument, why are we not saving electricity in the winter? Powers That Be, please explain.
Oh. Well, these people say that it was instituted to "save energy for war production by taking advantage of the later hours of daylight between April and October." Is it just me or does this NOT MAKE ANY SENSE WHATSOEVER? We have exactly the same amount of daylight, regardless of what time the clocks say it is. Why not just make people wake up earlier or something? I mean, if there is a war on, maybe they will be understanding.
It seems much more complicated to force everyone to change all the clocks in their house and be an hour late for everything and feel really tired for a week until their biorhythms readjust.
In conclusion, I like Daylight Saving Time, but I do not like having to lose an hour of sleep to get it. Thus, DAYLIGHT SAVING ALL THE TIME is the perfect solution.
Someone please get on this right away. I would, but I have to go catch up on some sleep -- when I am sleep deprived I get very cranky.
the new real
My cubicle is right next to the water cooler.
Loud Guy: Have you ever seen that Donald Trump reality show? You know, the uh, the...
My Boss: The Assistant?
LG: Yeah!
MB: No, I haven't.
LG: Well, I saw the ending, and it's all fixed! It's not real at all! He just picks who he wants to win and then makes sure they don't get eliminated.
MB: Well, fake is the new real.
Oh, don't mind me, I am just in a mood. It snowed today; tomorrow I have agreed (against my better judgement) to go to a seder at my grandparents' (whom I do not get along with); the time change messes me up; my friends are all busy and frantic due to the end of term and cannot pay any attention to me; I have a cold; I feel restless and uninspired and miserable.
More later!
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